I swear I don’t talk to Polish Sausage. Just getting that out of the way right up front so the rest of this (valuable) post isn’t discredited. 🙂
I was making sausage for dinner one night and mentioned it to my boys and hubby. It sounded good to me and my stomach was grumbling thinking about it. And out of abosultely no where, an angry child of mine piped up and said “I HATE Kielbasa. You’re never making it again.”
Well, in true ME fashion my first instinct was to say, LOUDLY, “Excuse the fuck out of me?!?” (yeah, I say those things though not necessarily to the crotchfruit).
Instead, I paused. And he finished, still forcefully, with, ” I hate Kielbasa and I’m never eating it again.”
This coming from the kid who has always eaten everything put in front of him without complaint. Now, even though I’m a pastry chef and otherwise really good in the kitchen, I wasn’t terribly bothered by him not wanting a certain food. I have a TRULY picky eater in my home so this one not liking a single food… no biggie.
Still, his tone was what surprised me and took me back. It was out of nowhere and about KIELBASA for heaven’s sake. I simply said that it was ok if he didn’t want to eat that the next time I made it, but I would still make it because the other 4 of us like it.
End of subject.
That is until 5 days later when I went shopping with the same anti-Kielbasa kid. I went first to my FAVORITE grocery store ever, Wegmans, and was working my way through their list app getting stuff section by section. I was in the meat and deli area and noticed that hubby had added Kielbasa.
Ok… I just need to take a moment to express how SHOCKED I am at the number of times I have already typed “Kielbasa” and that NEVER would I have EVER thought in my career as a sugar artist or personal growth coach would I be doing that… Ok. That’s outta my system. Back to our regularly scheduled blogging.
I laughed, but didn’t mention anything to the child with me. I was still going to buy it, but not make a big deal about it. Then, I noticed what my hubby did in true Nicholas fashion: he specified twenty, 20, sausages.
I laughed because of course I wasn’t going to buy that, but those are the weird little Easter eggs he drops me in spots like this to see if I’m paying attention. They always make me laugh – so I shared that with anti-Kielbasa kid with me.
He didn’t respond much so we went on our way looking for it but they were out of stock. Such is the case in CoVid-19 times. Oh well.
After finishing up what was really an uneventful grocery store trip (minus all the people newly in masks) I decided to pop over to the warehouse store next door to grab a couple other staples. It would be a quick in and out and the kidlet could stay in the car since he’s 15 and a 2nd degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do. Plus, social distancing.
I made my way to the best first stop in the store: the fresh bagels and grabbed a bunch and then headed right down the same back wall of the store to the meat spot just to see what was in the fresh case which was a bunch of nothing. Ok. No kielbasa. But I thought about it and the kidlet in the car all the way to the register…
Getting back in the car to go home I asked him why he felt so strongly about the kielbasa thing that it came out as yelling. And his explanation blew me away and tore apart everything I thought I knew about his easy-going nature…
I don’t remember the exact words he used, or the tone he used, or what he was wearing. The only thing that has stuck was his message: “I have been trying to live up to your idea that I’m the easy child. I’m not being ME.”
Shit. What have I done?
I had no idea that he wasn’t sharing his opinions about things or his preferences. That he was trying to be the “easy child that has always eaten anything I put in front of him without complaint.” My “good eater”.
That was the beginning of it all. The unraveling. The “who is this kid?!?” switch. He finally stopped trying to live up to my suffocating idea of him. And a new kid emerged.
He’s made me wonder how this plays out in other areas of life. After all, I only meant well by it, and I thought I was praising him – even maybe showing some favoritism in this little realm. That wasn’t how it played out, though, for one big reason:
It was the ideal I WANTED to hold of him in my mind’s eye… not the HIM he was wanting to be.
It was a story that held strong in my mind. And while only part of it came out verbally, my other actions and how I treated him must have been crystal clear. He must have felt it to his bones.
Story is strong, y’all!!! It’s a powerhouse and it can move mountains or cause avalanches.
This made me wonder how many other people I was avalanching with my stories of who they are, and how much I really may not be seeing of the people I love because of it. Who are they? Do I truly SEE them?
And do I truly see ME?
Well, truth be told I began writing this page months and months and months ago in March of 2020. Yep, just when CoVid was taking strong hold of United States. Today, the day I’ve come back to finish it is November 13th, 2020. And I have worked all year, since the beginning of writing this post, to really see ME as well as others around me.
It was fun at times. It wasn’t fun at times. And it was tough at times. But it was always rewarding…eventually.
My wonkiest story inside my head was about my creativity and business. I had myself convinced that moving upward and onward towards developing my coaching practice (which is FABULOUS and successful) was my BEST trajectory. That my evolution from cake decorating tutorials on my other blog up to world changer through psychology and narrative work with women who wanted more in life was my story.
And because I was so hooked on this upward trajectory, raised up on the wings of service, that I set aside my own service to myself and ignored my biggest and best story about myself: I’m a CREATIVE in my DNA and I must create or I feel suffocated.
Kielbasa (last mention, I swear) lead me to recognize how I was ignoring this most important story in my life. Thanks anti-kielbasa kid (I lied…) for showing me YOU and putting that mirror up to my own face.
Through this, I’ve sought to Kielbasa (I lied more…) the people in my life, the students I work with, and my coaching clients.
And through applying kielbasa (I give up) to myself, I decided to recraft my business (keeping with the ever-fluid business model I love) and begin working more broadly than cake, serving my own story first so that I can serve others SO MUCH BETTER AND CLEARER. Enter my newest biz-baby: CREATE. I won’t go into that here, because that’s not the point.
The point is to live my deepest and favorite story to fill MY cup first.
Live CREATIVELY and through my CREATIVE desires. Explore unabashedly and share with wild abandon. And do the other thing I deeply love: unlocking creative chicks to build cool and unique art/craft/makes to live more authentically in their one wild and precious life.
Kielbasa = creatives living their authentic lives.
Thanks sausage, and kid who hates it. I love you both.