Two years ago I found out that there’s a science to… marriage.
Marriage! I was dumbfounded, honestly, because I really just thought it was a different level of love and commitment that laid the foundation for a marriage. That two people were meant for each other, or a perfect fit.
Of course, some people make bad choices about a life partner, or they settle, or they even make a decision based on ego – trying to stick it to an ex-lover or going for the bad boy after being oppressed by a strict conservative family growing up, or for safety.
So it makes sense that those in the latter camp would have some marriage struggles, and I thought those were the ones, the woefully ill-prepared for marriage camp, that made up the staggering divorce statistic, and the statistics about infidelity.
I had lots of judgments about others in craptastic marriages and was beyond thankful that I DID have the man that seemed to be made just for me. I must be one of the lucky ones and one of the smart ones for not settling.
Know what I mean? Have you ever felt that, or that, or something like that? A little bad for your friends who were struggling but assessing why they seemed miserable? Judging their choices a little bit?
My views were pretty much in line with lots of majority culture narrative – the story and ideals that are held dear and discussed widely in many ways across society. It’s a shared value system and to determine someone is good and aligns with our value system we measure them as humans according to what we believe to be the common and RIGHT standards of behavior and choice-making.
You see these common idea and beliefs in memes online and in the posts on Facebook by random friends. They might look like this:
These memes make men look like they are dumb and lesser. Like they are mere simpletons. Like they lack any complexity.
They make women look like confusing creatures that are impossible to please. Like judgemental and shallow shrews. And like they expect men to just cater life to them.
And they make marriage look like a prison of misery and suffering.
It’s all bullshit.
And maybe your friend Shiela (I don’t know any Shiela’s and if that’s your name I mean no offense) shares the meme below with her post text being “Once a cheater always a cheater.”
(Gonna be honest here, all of this stuff is bullshit. It harms marriages and destroys families. And I’m going to take a shot at every last one of the assholes that made these memes and wish them the loss of each of their fingers so they can never use a computer to spread this misinformation and damaging bullshit ever again. And if you’re a Shiela, sharing this stuff, you might be part of the many who have been duped and become part of the problem. P.S. if you’re looking for marriage advice, steer clear of marriage dot com. One quick visit over there and I see why so many people are in fucked marriages and have screwed up expectations. Someone needs to hijack their URL and redirect it to this page.)
Whoa, Kara. That EGO.
Not ego. Anger.
Anger at a society that is so poorly informed that they think shaming others and passing judgment will do something to help.
Anger that because of this people don’t reach out for help or try to find the skills to have successful marriages because help from a human and relationship expert (read: psychologist or therapist) must mean they are deficient as people – they must be broken. There’s stigma just like with mental health. And every time you share something like this demeaning another person directly or generally, you become part of the problem.
I’ve spent a bit of time now studying the science to successful marriage relationships, like the stuff that can be observed, predicted, and replicated in nearly any situation no matter the individual differences. You know, science. It’s universal. Applies to anyone that’s human.
Dude. THERE. IS. SCIENCE. FOR. MARRIAGE.
And when there’s science that predicts and explains behavior and nearly no one knows it’s out there to learn it, it leaves the masses of asses to control the collective story and idea about causation and remedy for struggling and failed marriages.
What if I told you that the success of your marriage had NOTHING to do with who you chose to marry?
What if I told you that most affairs don’t result from one person being promiscuous or having bad moral character?
What if I told you that nearly all marriages are healable, able to be grown, strengthened, and able to flourish despite what has happened within them?
What if I told you that even a handful of science-backed skills can improve a marriage and deepen connection and trust to degree it may never have experienced, even at it’s best?
And what if I told you that reviving a dulling or dying marriage only takes one person in that marriage to do it?
My objective here is to encourage you to stop listening to the bullshit (get used to that word, it’s one of my favorites) your well-meaning but ignorant friends spew. It’s also to get you to cease spreading toxic ideas about who men must be, how they act, how women must be, how they act, and what it is to be in a failing or faithless marriage.
If you don’t know the science, and you contribute to the harmful majority culture narrative going on, it’s like going out and telling people it’s ok to shake their babies. It’s equally as harmful.
I believe in building marriages with skills, and holy heck if we taught kids how to have great interpersonal skills (based in science) and then encouraged all young couples to spend money on getting trained in marriage science instead of spending tens of thousands on a single day, dress and *gasp* cake (yeah, sorry cake world friends – I said it) our society would look very different.
That’s why I say marriage isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. “Isn’t all it’s cracked up to be” refers to something not being what everyone says it is or it’s like. So, when everyone (majority culture) says (narrative) all the crap you hear above, and when that’s NOT really the case, then it’s true: marriage is not all it’s cracked up to be. 🙂
I teach this science. Not because I’m a doctor or expert, but because I know the methodology and I’m just damn good at helping other people understand it and apply it, too. If you’re interested in hearing more, please subscribe to my email updates just below my signature here.
It doesn’t take much to change the trajectory of your life, it just takes a little bit of science.