“Omg who is that?!? I don’t even know that girl anymore!’
The thoughts that ran through my head as a read my journal entries from 2 years ago were pretty surprising.
I thought when I opened the old writing that I would look at it fondly, or at least with a soft recognition, remembering those past times and feelings and hopes and worries and dreams and fears.
Instead, it was as if the words were being read to me through a tin can and from a far off place. It kind of sounded like me, but it was strange, and the meaning in the words so faint and distant – like a ship nearly beyond the horizon on the sea. I knew it was there and could make out its shape, but the details and exacts were dull and so far away you can’t quite be sure it’s even the ship you thought it was.
Those were my words. That was my history at that time in life. But the way I spoke to myself and the way I reflected sounds completely foreign to me now.
Who is that person that was writing here? I don’t know her anymore.
That’s the beauty of documenting your personal growth as part of the growth process – when you look back you get to see how much you’ve evolved, accomplished, changed. The process of change is slow, so day by day it can be hard to look at oneself and recognize a difference.
Yet when pen dances across paper and fingers release thoughts a kind of truth is revealed that is hard to capture elsewhere with sure clarity and purity.
If you don’t journal, start.
If you’re unsure of how to start, write that.
Then commit to talking with your pen inside your journal once a day.
Use it for gratitude. Use it for exploring things that happen. Use it to tend to the curiosity that dwells inside each of us about who we are and who we were always meant to be. If you can find that person, devoid of the outside indoctrination, that’s when life truly begins.
It’s a bit destabilizing when you finally get all the words and ideas from everyone else out of your head because then you realize that the room is pretty empty compared to how over-crowded it had been. You begin to wonder who you actually are without the indoctrination, without other people’s stories, without your old story.
It’s scary to suddenly feel like a newbie in the world, unsure what’s good or real or safe. At least that was my experience and the experience of some of my clients. It then becomes your job to fill that void with things that serve you. It’s a daunting task – at first.
But once you start this growth process you just can’t stop. The fear diminishes and it becomes fascinating. Exploring your own depths is the greatest adventure anyone can go on, and each person’s adventure is unique and exquisite.
I hope 2020 has lots of inner journeys for you to embark upon. And I hope you come to love those explorations and adventures as much as I do. I’m always wondering what I’m going to find next 🙂
I can’t wait for me 2 years from now to look back once again on me today and wonder who that girl was…